What If Counseling Doesn't Work?

It happens.

            Counseling can not work for a lot of different possible reasons.  People are unique and because of this, not any one thing is going to work for every single person.  Many things will work for most people and some things will work for a lot of people, but not every thing works for every body.  The process of finding something or someone that does work can certainly be challenging.  Viewing the finding process as part of the overall journey can be helpful.  But what happens when it seems that counseling doesn’t work?

When to keep trying vs when to stop.

            This can be a hard decision to come to.  For kids and teens, resistance is sometimes a way that they exert control over their situation.  While it is important to avoid a power struggle, stopping because they don’t want to do something they need reinforces the idea that they don’t have to do something that they need to do.  This feeds into a pattern of avoidance.  The trouble with avoidance is it works super well in the moment- but long term it creates way more problems than it relieves.  When a client is able to push through and persevere, it’s possible for counseling to really have a powerful impact!  This is true for clients of all ages.  Counseling is work, and can involve talking about (literally talking or through another expressive activity) situations, experiences, and emotions that are really hard and sometimes very painful.  Sometimes it can feel like counseling isn’t working because of this discomfort.  Working together collaboratively with a counselor can support the exploring, processing, and healing that is needed.  Walking away from fear and pain can reinforce its power.

            That being said, sometimes it becomes more important to leave something undone if continuing to push through is going to cause someone to not be willing in the future to consider counseling as an option because of an earlier negative experience.  It can take time to come to a realization that this is not the right time and it may be time to stop.  Communicating with the provider you are working with is a critical component because this can provide support in finding another provider, knowing which side of the fine line between continuing to try or stop you are on, and can support a therapeutic ending (and yes, there very much is such a thing!).

Sometimes it’s about fit with the counselor.  Sometimes it’s about fit with counseling.

            Counselors are people.  And just like any type of relationship, sometimes it’s just not a good fit.  When this happens, it can be really therapeutic and really helpful to go through the process of talking about it and finding someone new who will be a better fit.  In these types of situations, it’s not that counseling is a bad fit it’s the personality factor.  But sometimes, it’s more than just the personality factor.  Sometimes it is in fact counseling itself that is not a good fit.  There are times where words are not the most effective thing from a therapy standpoint.  And even in methods of counseling that do not rely on words, talking and the use of language is still involved in the process.  For these clients, engaging in other activities such as art, horse riding and care or any animal care, volunteer work, sports or other athletic activities, and learning to play music or taking voice lessons can have a strong therapeutic value.  Sometimes these activities have a way of leading someone back to counseling, and other times they provide the avenues of growth and healing that were needed.

Sometimes people just aren’t ready.

            Sometimes someone is not ready for change or the work that is involved in the process.  Change can be scary and engaging in the process of change is work.  Sometimes, even when something is really uncomfortable or really not working, we still stick with this because at least we know what to expect.  If we try something new, we are taking a risk because there is no way to know what the outcome will be.  This can sometimes cause someone to freeze and stay in the same patterns.  Ultimately, if someone is not ready or willing to participate in the process, it’s not the right time for counseling to be effective.

Other options if traditional counseling doesn’t work.

            So what happens if counseling doesn’t work for any of these reasons?  If there’s a need because behaviors are getting in the way of doing things that are needed or wanted, then it’s important to find something that is going to work.  It’s also equally important to sometimes recognize that as hard as it is to watch someone struggling, there is value in that struggle.  Being able to support someone while also taking care of you in the process is a highly effective strategy in and of itself.  Sometimes people need to get to a higher level of discomfort before they are ready to change.