Be Aware of Absolutes

            Never.  Forever.  Always.  These are examples absolute terms.  Often referred to as black and white, either/or thinking, absolutes place us at opposite ends of any continuum or spectrum we are thinking about or acting on.  While there are absolutely places in language for all of these words, problems arise when we have a pattern of thinking or acting in absolutes.  Life exists in the gray.

            We’ve all had these thoughts at times.  When they become a pattern, and that pattern happens frequently then we run the risk of having our perception skewed by them.  This can create a mindset where depression and anxiety begin to thrive.  This mindset can also lead to a place where hate begins to take root, and it too begins to thrive.

            Hate of another is not something that we are born with.  It is something that we learn.  We may come into contact with it in any number of places.  Come into contact with it enough times and we may begin to think that way, too.  Hate often comes from a place of fear and fear often comes from a place of not understanding.  That confusion makes us feel unsure which makes us feel afraid which makes us feel angry.  Fear and anger are both powerful emotions that can cause any number of reactions in our behaviors.  The difference between the power of fear and the power of anger is the power of anger makes a person feel as though they have the power rather than coming up against the powerful foe that is fear.  What then often happens is we begin to hate.  This then becomes the fatal flaw in this process.  Because when fear grows and anger builds and hate takes root, we move away from seeking to understand something.  This is where we find ourselves now, in this country of ours.  Divided.  We have forgotten the basics of getting along.

            Racism in our country has deep roots and, like any weed, in order for it to be removed we have to get the full root system out.  Is it as simple as being mindful of our thoughts, noticing when we are experiencing an absolute thought and challenging it, then using listening skills to gain understanding to help us all get along better?  No, probably not.  But this at least is a place to start.  Simple solutions are often the most powerful. 

            I was feeling overwhelmed as I sat down to reflect last night before writing and revising this blog post.  It was an overwhelmed feeling that was beginning to grow into anxiety as I experienced the absolute thought of “I’m never going to be able to figure out where to start in determining any unintended bias or non-awareness of privilege I hold, and I will never know how to balance this work with having the respect I hold for cops.”  That ‘never’ was powerful.  So I stopped trying to figure it out for a couple of minutes and picked up my knitting (literally picked up my knitting- I love to knit and I find that the repetitive motions are soothing which was exactly what I needed to be able to calm myself down in order to resume thinking and solve the situation).  And after a few minutes, an idea popped into my head.  I love history- reading about it, studying it, going to different historical places.  This is my place to start- gaining a fuller understanding of the beyond-high-school-history-class beginnings of this country and the role that slavery played in it.  I picked up my tablet and located some samples of books to begin reading on the history of this country from a different perspective than what I have studied before.  I felt better knowing that I had found a place to start that will help me to build a better understanding.  It is only a starting place- there is more work to be done.  But without a starting place it becomes really difficult, if not impossible, to continue through to the development of a solid, workable solution.

            So I come back to absolutes, here in this writing, because this presents us with a starting point.  We have got to be able to listen to each other and build understanding of opposite viewpoints.  Whether or not we agree with them, we can work to understand them.  If we only ever hear the points of view we agree with, we will continue to be divided and be surrounded by missed opportunities.  What if the cure for cancer is only possible if two people from opposite views put their two ideas together through a process of listening without becoming emotionally reactive in order to create the cure?  If we do not get the skills of being able to work collaboratively together, the potential losses of possibilities become astronomical! 

            To be able to listen, we need to be able to hold or pause our thought reactions in order to first gain an understanding of what the other person is saying.  We need to be able to use reflective statements such as paraphrasing what we heard or asking questions for clarification (not questions aimed at changing the other person’s mind but actual questions to help us understand better).  Only after gaining a full understanding of the other person’s statement should we proceed to share our own point of view.  Doing this repeatedly back and forth allows us to not only show that we care enough to listen and are looking to understand, but will allow us to come together to reach an actual consensus.  It’s not about us versus. them.  It needs to be about us and them, all together.  Eventually, we need to aim for it to just be an us without the need for distinctions. 

            It starts with being aware of your own thinking.  Be mindful and tune into what’s going on in your head.  Notice when you have some absolute thoughts.  Check in with them and see what’s going on there.  Reality check those thoughts.  Figure out if you’re missing some information.  Find sources to help you build the knowledge you need.  When you have the opportunity to talk to someone, really listen to what they are saying rather than thinking about how you are going to win the conversation or make the best comment in the response.  Turn off the sarcasm and the one-liners.  Really listen with your whole self.  Practice this and get good at it.  Then join the conversation and be a part of the solution.  Racism should have no place here.  Violence should have no place here, whether it is against minorities or against police officers doing their jobs.  What should have a place here is peace, kindness, compassion, respect and unity.  The truths we hold to be self-evident, with equality and justice for all should not just be some slogan that gets recited.  Those words need to mean something, and they need to mean something to and for every single one of us regardless of our skin colors or occupations.