Bad Ideas Counselors Have (Or So I've Been Told)

In the time I’ve worked as a counselor, there have been a lot of moments where clients have expressed irritation at different coping skills, tools, and strategies that are being suggested or taught.  Sometimes this comes from previous experience being taught to use a skill.  Other times it comes from a belief that solutions need to be complicated because the intensity of an emotion someone is trying to manage is so big that a simple solution feels inadequate.  And sometimes when someone is caught in an emotional maelstrom, it just feels like nothing is actually going to help.  When met with these client experiences and helping coping skill development to happen anyway, there are often a lot of eye rolls or eyes looking like they are going to bug out of someone’s head.  Sometimes it even looks like someone is going to launch something across the room at my head.  What can happen then, when a client trusts a counselor enough to give one of these seemingly bad ideas a try?  Change.  Change can happen.  Take a look.

Breathing

How many times has a counselor told you to breathe?  And how many times have you sat with eyes about to bulge out when they do, thinking something along the lines of “that doesn’t work!”?  Counselors have this idea that taking a breath allows space to be created between the trigger of upset and the response.  This space gives a person the opportunity to get their brain’s thinking ability back online, allowing them to choose an action that’s going to help them cope with their emotions and solve the situation rather than reacting and escalating the situation.  Reactions often get us into more hot water.  Breathing calms the body down.  When we get our bodies to be calm, we are able to feel strong and capable.  This opens us up to being able to identify strategies and solutions that are going to help us thrive through a situation, instead of simply surviving (although breathing does help with that, too).  Breathing is something that works for everyone because it happens on a physical level within body systems like the nervous system and cardiovascular system that every human being has.  So annoying to be told to breathe?  Sure.  But it does actually help. 

Grounding

Ever had a counselor tell you your thinking was pulling you out of the moment?  Rolled your eyes, didn’t you?  It happens.  You see, counselors have this thing for helping people to feel grounding and centered.  Grounding is this idea that you bring your thinking into the present moment, otherwise known as the here-and-now or just NOW, by tuning into your physical self through information being brought into your brain by any combination of the five basic senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch).  Bringing yourself back into the present moment in this way helps to capture your thinking and bring it back with you.  The present moment is the only one that you have the ability to do anything about.  The past has already happened and the future isn’t here yet.  Hard to hear that your thinking is getting in the way?  Definitely.  But living in the present moment, understanding we do need to have some future thinking for planning purposes and some past thinking for learning purposes, is really the most mentally well place to be.

Communicating Effectively and Using Your Words

Let’s talk about it!  How do you feel about that?  Oh, the eyes are really rolling now!  I’m sure you remember at some point as a child being told to use your words, and if you’ve heard a counselor suggest that you use your voice to share how you’re feeling and what you need then you may have heard some refrain of this message more recently.  Talking about things is certainly not the only way of expressing something.  Art, movement (including dance and sports), and time spent just being in the presence of an animal or just outside somewhere can all help us to feel as though we are getting something out and getting us along to feeling better.  So why this emphasis on words specifically and talking using them more specifically?  If we do not share with others what we need, how we feel, or what we are thinking then (even if we think they should just know), they won’t know.  So, counselors often work with clients on building effective communication skills and on developing the confidence to use their words.  Using our words to identify our feelings in our own minds lets us know what we are feeling.  A lot of time simply identifying the feeling and having the word to call it by starts to empower us and helps us to feel more centered.  Using our words to then express ourselves to others about how we are feeling and what we are needing helps us to manage our emotions rather than control being taken over by our emotional reactions.  Living in a manner in which we know how we are feeling, are able to communicate about it, and convey to ourselves and others what are needs are supports us in living our most well and best lives.

Sharing Your Story

A little different from using your words, sharing your story is talking about the things that you have experienced.  Sometimes these things are messy and painful and may be filled to the brim with the toughest of the tough emotions like shame and terror.  All things people really don’t want to talk about- yeah, those are the things that we need to talk about most.  Research has shown time and time again that talking (“talking” can be somewhat loosely interpreted- movement-based activities, writing, playing music, and art are also amazingly powerful ways to “talk” about our experiences and process them!) about things, especially the hard ones, is a large part of healing.  When we keep things locked up inside, they start to eat away at us creating a cascading set of physical health problems.  Keeping emotions bottled up also puts the control in their court.  When we are ruled by our powerful emotions, we stop living and thriving and sometimes barely get by on surviving.  When you choose to talk about something, something hard or messy or shame-filled or terrifying, you are taking ownership of this part of your story.  Little by little, you take power back from these experiences and the power the emotions connected to them have taken over you.  You start to feel better, and you get to a point where you are actually living again.  Then you start to really thrive.  We get to become the authors of our stories, determining what role each part plays and how much emphasis gets to be placed on any one part. 

Getting Physically Active

You mean it’s not enough to hear this from my doctor; I have to hear it from you, too!  Yup- that’s annoying.  Problem is, consistent physical activity does have an impact on your mental wellness because it alters brain chemistry.  This means that it makes our brain healthier and that shapes our emotional responses including coping abilities, problem solving skills, and overall emotional regulation.  Doesn’t mean you have to turn yourself into a marathon runner (although if you choose to do that, go you!).  Doing something as easy as walking for about 20 minutes a day can have a huge impact.  Physical activity can also be a great outlet for emotional energy and stress.  So yes, you are likely to hear from a counselor that it would be a good idea to get some physical activity worked into your self-care routine.

So that whole mind-body connection thing?  Yeah- turns out that’s real.

Sometimes thought of as new age is this belief in the connection of the mind and the body.  Our physical self and wellness impacts our mental/emotional self and wellness, and vice versa.  For a long time, this was based on anecdotal evidence and the awareness that people had that when they did things that supported one aspect of their health and wellness, it tended to have unintended positive consequences for other aspects as well.  With continued research and development in the field of neuroscience, we now know that there is in fact an actual linkage between our physical body and the emotions center in our brain.  This means that things like our digestive health, physical activity, and hormonal fluctuations do have impacts on how we think and upon how we feel.  The mind-body connection is in fact a very real thing.

Minding Your Manners, Being Kind, and Setting Limits and Boundaries

Being kind and respectful to others feels good.  And when we are kind and respectful to others, we are able to develop skills to be kind and respectful to ourselves.  Why do counselors talk about how we interact with others?  I’m not the problem- it’s them!  And yes, sometimes that is an accurate statement.  The thing is, whether we are the problem or someone else is the problem, the interaction impacts us.  Talking about how we interact with others and whether this lines up with our values is part of the work in counseling.  It’s also important in boundary setting.  Saying what we mean and meaning what we say while not being mean while we say it is crucial.  Setting boundaries lets others know how we expect to be treated and what we need.  When we set boundaries around our needs, saying no sometimes and being intentional with what we say yes to, we are able to set ourselves up for emotional wellness because we are not filled with resentment at having something to do that we didn’t actually want/need to do.  When we do kind things for others, we shift our focus from self-centered (not the same as selfish, by the way.  Self-centered in this context means a focus on self) to us-centered.

This is the whole self-care thing that counselors drone on and on about.  How it’s important to take care of ourselves so that we are able to do all of the things we need and want to do, including taking care of others.  Putting our selves into the equation means that when we are making choices we are considering our needs as equal to the needs of the other people in the situation.

Knitting- Or Something Creative That You Enjoy Doing

You should get a hobby.  Uh-huh.  Cue eye rolls yet again.  It’s sometimes hard to find time or find something that you are interested in.  For people experiencing depression, it can also be hard to find the energy or the interest to do things.  Change comes from doing things differently, however.  Spending time doing things that you enjoy doing, whether it’s some type of art or making things, reading, writing, birdwatching, learning about history or science, making models of airplanes or trains, or engaging in a really well mastered Dungeons and Dragons story, will help you to feel better.  It gives your mind a break from being in the emotional muck and mire and this break is often essential to create some space that allows you to progress forward in your work towards your goals.  Engaging in activities you enjoy also releases those feel-good neurotransmitters in your brain, which helps you to feel happy.  When you engaging in consistent time spent doing things that you enjoy as part of your self-care routine, your overall happiness level goes up, along with your mood, and your overall stress/anxiety level goes down. 

A Final Thought

So, maybe these coping skills, tools, and strategies aren’t such bad ideas after all.