When Holiday's Aren't Merry
There are literally songs all around at this time of year talking about it being “the most wonderful time of the year” and wishes for “holly jolly” celebrations abound. The joy and good spirit surrounding many this time of year is palpable and with it brings increased sharing of kindnesses. This truly is wonderful. For some, this time of the year is anything but “merry and bright.” If you are just such a person, know that you are not alone. Holidays can be reminders of sadness, triggers for trauma, and the marking of the passage of time only (think of Scrooge here). The first experience of holidays after a loved one dies can often be some of the hardest experiences we must live through and cope with. Watching the people and the world around us caught in their joys and merriment can make for a very lonely time.
If You Aren’t Feeling the Merry and Bright
It’s okay to be sad, or mad, or a mixed-up mixture of all things emotions. It’s equally important to remember that you are not alone. While sometimes it can be helpful to take some space and have some alone-time, isolating can also be a sign that we need support or help. If you find yourself wanting to harm yourself or somebody else, it’s time to reach out even if you don’t really want to. Now that we’ve gotten the safety piece out there right in front, here are some more ideas for surviving the holidays.
It really is okay to feel however you’re feeling. Notice the emotions and let yourself feel them. Ask your self what you need. There’s no right or wrong way of coping as long as you’re not hurting yourself, hurting someone else, or destroying anyone’s property. If it would help to go to a holiday event anyway, go. If it doesn’t feel like that would help, it’s okay to say no thank you or just no. For some, going through the motions is how they go through. For others, it needs to be something completely different. And there are also many, many possibilities in-between.
Remember to breathe and to practice good self-care. Make sure you stay in touch with your support system. Talk about what’s going on for you or talk about something completely un-related (weather, sports, horses, the cute kitten video you just watched on YouTube). Self-care includes physical care like sleeping, eating nutritionally needed foods, physical activity, and hygiene. Self-care also includes the things that you do to take care of all aspects of your whole self. Like to color? Then get to coloring. Reading and learning? Find a book or maybe a webinar. Are animals your thing (they are definitely a huge part of my life!)? Spend time with your pets or maybe even begin volunteering at your local animal shelter.
Remember also to cut yourself some slack, treat yourself with extra kindness and patience, and practice self-compassion. This is a hard time of year. It’s okay to find yourself having a hard time remembering something, feeling extra fatigued, crying more, or needing that extra bite of chocolate to get you through. Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up or being critical won’t help- and most likely will only serve to make things worse.
If Someone You Love and Care About Isn’t Feeling the Merry and Bright
Be there. Be present. Be patient, kind, and compassionate. And most importantly- do not assume that you know what they need, even if you’ve experienced or are experiencing the “same thing.” Ask what they need. If you get the feeling that it may be helpful just to show up, take a quick moment to think this through. Is this coming from your need or from what you are perceiving their’s to be? If it’s about you needing to do something, hit the pause button. Sometimes there is nothing that you can do. You can’t fix it or make it better. But you can choose to be there- if they say no thanks to your ideas or to you coming by, don’t stop reaching out; consistently let the person you care about know that you are there. There are lots of ways to show someone that you care so be creative and thoughtful in your actions. Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone who is hurting is to simply, literally be there. It may look like you are doing nothing, and it probably feels that way too, but it is in fact very, very far from nothing- it’s probably closer to everything in that moment for the person you care about.
If We All Care a Bit More, The World Becomes a Better Place
One of the absolute best things about this time of year is how much more people notice that there are people who have needs that go unmet and then take actions to meet them. Food donations, clothing donations, toy donations, time donations- so many donations get made at this time of year. We find something that reminds us of someone and decide to just “pick it up” and send it along or give it to the person we were reminded of. Generosity of spirit abounds. Showing we care- being compassionate, kind, giving, and thoughtful- to others we know, others we don’t know, and hopefully also extending this love to ourselves in our self-care makes for the building of a community of people. A community is a group of people who care about and for one another. Strengthening a community strengthens the whole as well as each individual member who is a part of the group. When we do this, and do this consistently, we build something truly remarkable. Imagine what would happen if we all spent more of our time and energies building up instead of tearing down- what a wonderful world that would be. So if you are someone who is feeling the merry and jolly or if you are someone who is not, no matter your age or abilities- remember to be kind.