When Faced with Adversity People Shine... or Whine
Adversity happens to us all at some point. Everyone faces challenges of all levels and kinds. Which particular challenge rises to the level of adversity (defined as a significant difficulty) is different for each person. What one person finds challenging another person may find easy or impossible or a small bump in the road. There are many factors that impact how challenging something is. But regardless of all this, the one thing we know about life is that it absolutely will have significant challenges and difficulties along the way. So, what happens when people are faced with these? Well, often they shine… but sometimes they whine.
When people are able to shine and move their way through the challenge, it does not mean that it is easy or that it wasn’t a struggle. It doesn’t mean it was smooth sailing with no set-backs along the way. Being able to shine means that a person has developed the skill of resiliency and they are able to continue to get up again and keep trying. Like any skill, resiliency must be worked on and cultivated over time. Some people have an easier time developing this skill but as a skill, it is something that everyone can develop and it will improve with practice. Resiliency often requires internal skills as well as external supports. Helping children to develop coping skills and strategies for managing emotions in all manner of situations as well as supporting them in developing confidence in themselves is what gets this skill going. This is also true for teens and adults. Resiliency then becomes a self-perpetuating cycle:
Challenge leads to struggle which leads to overcoming which leads to growth which leads to confidence which leads to meeting the next challenge.
What happens when resiliency is not built and developed? This is when people get stuck in the challenge and find they are unable to meet it. Their self-perpetuating cycle becomes:
Challenge leads to “I can’t” leads to struggle more leads to more “I can’t” leads to “I can’t do anything” leads to “I quit.”
When people get stuck and quit, it means they are unlikely to be willing to try. This can include trying to solve a problem they are faced with and it can also mean that they are unwilling to try new things. If faced with a small difficulty, people who have low resiliency abilities will often stop as soon as something starts to feel hard or they perceive it as going to be hard. They may get stuck in the complaining phase of things. Now, everyone complains sometimes and everyone has a need for venting and expressing their emotions including people who have resiliency and are able to shine. The difference is that when someone shines, they move from the complaining and expressing to actual efforts at solving the situation. People who whine don’t move to the solving part; they get stuck in the complaining and hence stuck in the problem. This can sometimes lead to the development of a victim mindset- everything is someone else’s fault and responsibility; bad things always happen to me and there’s nothing I can do about anything. It’s a very powerless feeling that brings down confidence in self. It doesn’t feel good to be stuck here.
To be stuck as a whiner is not a place anyone really wants to be. How do you build the skill of resiliency and become someone who can shine when faced with adversity? Here are some steps to take:
1) Build a set of coping skills to use for emotional management. These can include breathing, grounding, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness, and relaxation.
2) Build a solid support system of people you can count on to be there for you. These can include family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and professional supports. You want to have a varied group and more than one person.
3) Watch your mindset and set a positive one. Positive mindset does not mean everything is sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows. Having a positive mindset means that you acknowledge your thoughts and feelings; identify thoughts that are unhelpful and shift them; and focus your thinking attention on solutions. It is a “I can” instead of an “I can’t.”
4) Identify what you can control and do something about it. Identify what you can’t control and use your coping skills to let these things go.
5) Rest. We all need to take a break. Take some time, do something that you enjoy doing or do something else and then come back to the challenge.
6) Repeat. We build skills by practicing them over and over again. Remember for a skill like resiliency, we are building this over the course of our lifetime. This is not a one and done skill.
You can be a person who shines when faced with adversity. The choice is up to you.