The Importance of Boundary Setting for Anxiety Management
“If you give a mouse a cookie… he’s going to ask for a glass of milk to go with it.”
I love this story by Laura Numeroff! It’s a great way to get children to giggle. The mouse in the story is adorable and does things that resonate with children. As an adult reading the story, I recognize the implications of the message of the story related to the importance of boundary setting. Why is boundary setting so important? Let’s take a closer look at that:
Boundary setting gives information to others about how we need/want and expect to be treated. If we do not share information about ourselves with others, then they are left to guess. When we leave others to guess, there is a chance that they will guess correctly. There is an even larger likelihood that they will guess wrong. When this happens, we are left to tolerate. Sharing what we need/want does not automatically mean that we get exactly what we want or need, but it does greatly increase the likelihood of this happening. If we do not share how we expect to be treated, then we are left being treated the way someone else chooses. Being passive in this regard sets us up for a lot of upset that may have been avoidable. Ultimately, you get to choose what, when, how, and how much to share. The more information you do choose to share, the more someone else is given the opportunity to understand you.
Setting boundaries is a form of assertiveness and this helps us to feel empowered. Assertiveness is a level of communication where a person stands up for themselves. It can be done as a reaction to a situation or as a preventative (think information sharing we talked about in the previous section). When we assert ourselves, we feel a sense of empowerment. We didn’t just stand by and say nothing. We didn’t miss an opportunity. We told someone; gave them the information about what our needs are and how we expect to be treated.
Feeling empowered helps us to manage anxiety. Anxiety is a power-taken-away emotion. It makes us feel as though the walls are closing in and we have no way of keeping ourselves safe. Treating anxiety the same way we would treat a bully, standing up to it and taking our power back is important. We do this by using different coping skills. A coping skill that is often overlooked or not thought of at all is assertiveness training. Being assertive means that you stand up for yourself. It means that you use your voice to say what you need/want and how you expect to be treated. Using your voice pushes back against anxiety. It gives you power. This re-engages your whole brain and allows you to be able to calm down the stress/anxiety reaction. Knowing that you used your voice and spoke up about what you need/want and expect gives you strength.
When we communicate our needs, we let other people know that it is okay for them to share theirs. Communication is a two-way street. We give information to others, and we receive information from others. When we model sharing boundaries about how we need/want and expect to be treated, then we open the door for others to do the same. This helps them to feel empowered. It also means that we both have gained a greater sense of connection. This is how healthy relationships are built and how friendships grow.
Boundary setting is a part of effective communication and effective communication builds healthy relationships and healthy relationships are essential for emotional wellness. Human beings are social animals. We are not meant to be alone for extended periods of time. This does not mean that we should not be able to ever be alone or be able to independently function. It means instead that we need a support system of people who can rely on us and who we can rely on. Relying on others means we can share experiences, we can ask for help, and we can share excitement which increases it.
So, should you give a mouse a cookie? Yes, sometimes it’s okay to let things go. Other times it’s not as okay. Aim for being aware, reflective, and intentional in your actions. Instead of letting things go because you don’t know what to do or this is how you “always” do things, think about it. Make it a choice. And choose how you are going to respond.